fadedmind's Diaryland Diary


this is what it feels to not believe

I didn't really want to wake up today. In a way, I was wishing I was dead. That I had died in my sleep. But as is obvious, I did not get what I was wishing. These past few days have been weird. I'm not quite sure what it is. During the day I am perfectly fine, you could even say happy. It's just when it's time for me to go to bed to sleep that I start thinking about otherpeople. And I hate myself so much because of the way i treated the few that did care. Even right now, I despise myself for not phoning annyone, but still, I think that I cannot remember how to picvk up a phone. And also the same with sending them an email. I will sit there for hours typing up a whole loada shit, and then when it comes to clicking the send button, I just cannot do it. And I really don't know why. I haven't seen anyone for a few weeks now, and I fear that maybe they have forgotten me, as they have attempted to push me down in the past. I don't know why I never let myself get buried, there have been so many kinfes in my back, and so many ropes around my neck, and so many guns to my head, yet I still refuse to let them complete the task by getting me buried. I can survive by myself with no one to hold my hand and show me along. The past four years have shown that. It's only now that I'm seeing what it's like for me when I am pretending. I'm having to pretend to casey that I'm okay with 'everything'. i'm having to pretend to casey that i don't mind about not being able to call him mine. and i'm having to pretend to you that i love my 'life'. i love hating everything, and everything hating me back. i love going by every single day saying to myself that the reason why he doesn't want me back is because i'm a pathetic fool that puts to much trust in people, and when it comes to parting ways, all that trust is used against me, and i no longer know how to deal with the pain.

things aren't the way they were before. you wouldn't even recognise me anymore. not that you knew me back then. but it all comes down to me, in the end.

10:35 p.m. - 2004-06-09


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